How to Piss Off a Chubby Hiker Chick.

Go ahead, give me a dirty look or mumble something about the size of my giant ass blocking the trail. Call me fat. Great job captain obvious. It doesn’t affect me. Karma is waiting for you in the crags.

Unless you are put in harm’s way because of a fat person, that chunka-dunk does NOT affect YOU in any way.

Unless you are on a search and rescue because little Debbie needed to find a shortcut to Ben & Jerry’s and got lost off trail, their weight should NOT affect YOU in any way.

You know what affects me?

LITTER. The people that come into the wilderness and leave their water bottles, cigarette butts, food wrappers and the complete A-hole that leaves their dirty diaper and giant bag of trash in the trailhead parking lot PISS ME OFF.

  • CIGARETTES. You idiot, a smoldering cigarette butt can start a forest fire in a matter of seconds. Your coal can catch a breeze and ignite the pine spills 30 feet off trail, even after a rain.
    • If you think you extinguished it by stomping on it, rubbing it into what you think is damp dirt, your coal can separate from the filter (appearing to be out) and smolder, underground. it literally can start an underground fire, spreading through the layers of dirt and debris on the forest floor.
  • If you need to smoke, think about your surroundings. Is it windy? When you ash your cigarette, is it trailing or flickering? Can you submerge it completely in liquid to extinguish it? Every rule of starting a campfire should apply to you smoking. Safety first, always. No one wants to smell your smoke and, by all means, take that butt with you, it’s trash damn it.

DISREGARDING THE HONOR SYSTEM. The A-holes that come into to the NH State Parks and White Mountain National Forest and don’t pay the day-use fee, those people piss me off. There’s five of them in a van, leaving their crap all over the trail, on the beaches, in the courtesy toilets… and they couldn’t pay $5.00 to support the daily upkeep and conservation of the parks. I wish I could give them a ticket.

TRAIL ETIQUETTE. Ok, you’ve never been hiking before. There are unspoken rules and there are rules literally on signs. The signs are right at the trailhead. You know that search you did for directions to get to the trail? Why don’t you look up, “hiking etiquette?” You have none and “common sense” is just NOT common anymore.

  • YOU’RE IN MY WAY.
    • RIGHT OF WAY. You should yield to the people ascending (GOING UP) unless the ascending hiker is taking a break and notions you down first. Step safely aside on slopes. Stay on the trail. Uphill hikers first. If you’re coming up from behind me, say, “hello,” or ”coming up on your left.” If someone is passing, stay in single file. Don’t walk next to your girlfriends, it’s rude.
    • DON’T GO OFF TRAIL. Don’t go off the trail to cut off a switchback (zig-zags around trees and obstacles that wind up on the same directional course as you began-usually you can see the trail beyond the switchbacks). The switchback is there for a reason. One reason may be to prevent erosion or preserve the vegetation. Don’t think you are a badass because you cut through the woods to sneak-up on your friend. You’re not cute. Conserve. Preserve. Leave no trace.
    • GROUPS. If a group is coming up behind you, step aside safely and let them pass. If you need to pass a slower moving group, vocally announce your presence and let them know your intended passing direction.
    • HORSES. Haha. I’ve seen horses on Pondicherry and horse shit elsewhere, but it’s rare. Even so, I’m pretty sure no matter which way (up or down) you’re headed, horses are always first. Try to step off the trail on the downhill slope.

      IMG_4156

      Hampton Beach State Park

    • HIKERS BEFORE BIKERS. (Bicycles, that is.) Listen. I know you don’t want to stop. You’re having fun going free and fast downhill, letting gravity bounce your ass down a rocky trail! Sorry. If you’re peddling, you wait for me. Bros before hoes. If you’re on your bike and cannot see the trail ahead of you, you need to slow down. You can stop before I can.
    • NINJAS. Make yourself known, don’t sneak up on people. Being quiet is being courteous, but stealthy, silent approaches can cause me to place my hand on my self defense mechanism. Not making yourself known is shady and unacceptable. A simple, “hi,” will do.
    • DOGS. Don’t care. Of course, your dog is freaking amazing! My dog is amazing! I love dogs. I probably would risk injury to save a dog. But… I don’t know your dog is amazing. Most hiking trails in NH allow dogs… on a leash. Since most of you let your dogs (see poop below) run off leash when it clearly states, “keep your pets leashed,” if Fido comes up on me before you do, I may mistake him for a threat. I protect myself against threats. I would never purposely inflict harm, but I’m not going to get plowed over by a running dog and risk injuring myself because his owner is a jerk. It’s not the dog’s fault.
      • PERSONAL NOTE. (During a winter hike I was headed up to Lonesome Lake. On a steep, snow-packed area, I saw the chuck-it toy first, then the dog, then the human, laughing as he picked up the toy and they both chased after it downhill. The dog caused me to step off trail completely, deep post-hole up to my thigh, hyper-extended my knee, but powered through the rest of the hike. But the young guy with a big Instagram following, didn’t say an f-ing word. Selfish ninja prick).
IMG_3807

Table Rock

LEAVE NO TRACE. I seriously could write a novel on shit alone.

  • POOP. Literally poo, poop, excrement.
    • DOG SHIT. Stepping in your dog’s shit because it’s in the middle of the trail is unacceptable. If I see your dog taking a dump and you not picking it up, I’m going to tell you, it’s a carry-in, carry-out park-that means your dog poop too.
      • IT STINKS. Physically. Now it’s on my leg and my car mats. Thanks a lot. I hope some gets on your pillow.
      • IT WILL NOT BIODEGRADE AS QUICKLY AS YOU CLAIM. Any poo from a living being that has a diet consisting of meat, in any form, will NOT biodegrade as quickly as one would think. Most dogs (and humans)  have a diet based on animal and dairy proteins, causing oily animal and dairy protein waste. Don’t try and tell me it will biodegrade. I’m not an idiot- of course it will. However, animal proteins take much longer to decompose. Look it up, know-it all. And while you’re reading, go clean up your dog’s shit. Don’t even think about bagging it and leaving it there. It’s just in poor manners and disrespectful.
    • HUMAN DUMPING. I just threw up in my mouth a little. 
      • SAME AS DOG SHIT. Add nuts, fish, palm or other fatty oils, essential oils and excessive alcohol to a meat and dairy based diet, the decomposition smell alone is atrocious. No one wants to come across your shit. You better be walking a very long way off trail (keep in vocal contact and as much visual contact as possible) when you have to drop some timber. Not only should you clean up your poo and take your follow-up toilet paper with you in a bag, but this is the only time you should be going off trail. TREAD LIGHTLY.
      • CLEANING HUMAN POO OFF YOUR GEAR. Good luck with that. Between the size and oily consistency (oh my God, I feel vomitous thinking about having to clean it off my boots) it is virtually impossible to get human excrement entirely off your gear without some type of ammonia or hydrogen peroxide base or enzyme based cleaning solvent. Thanks for shitting so close to the trail.
      • CLEANING HUMAN POO OFF YOUR UNLEASHED DOG. Good luck with that. Poor Fido. You’ll need a gentle de-greasing dish detergent- like Dawn, warm water, possibly a vinegar solution and a lot of time. You may even have to use a skunk detergent, made specifically for animal washing. He just wanted to rub your stink on his stink. Better hope that shit doesn’t get in your car.
      • YOU BETTER HOPE I DON’T FIND YOU. Have some courtesy. I don’t want to get up to Table Rock and see or smell the dumping zone 5 feet from the trail. Everybody has to poo and pee. Be respectful. LEAVE NO TRACE. We are not wild animals. Shit where you eat. Tie that bag to your bumper or roof rack and drive it out of the trailhead parking lot. Take it with you.
  • I CAN HEAR YOU. Everyone can hear you. Seriously. Shut up. Leave no trace- including traces of your loud conversation or vulgarity as me and my 6 and 9-year old boys walk-up behind you as you’re dropping the f-bomb 20 times. Sure, I may use inappropriate language, but not when children are present. So please don’t be a douche. Watch your language around children.
    • MAKE NOISE. You should make some sound while hiking in the woods. Keeping wild animals away is the desired effect.
    • MUSIC. Unless you’re my brotha from anotha motha, you are not chosing my playlist of the day. You want to piss off a kind person, play music so it echos through the forest, across the lake. I’m happy you’re having you’re weekly family reunion at the NH State Park Beach. I hope you paid for everyone in your van and you don’t leave your black hefty bags of trash and dirty diapers in the parking lot. But what I really hope- is that I can’t hear your bluetooth speaker or 1990’s boombox whaling while I’m hiking, camping or sunbathing. I came to the forest, not the fair.

SO THERE IT IS. SUZANNE’S PSA OVER. SUZANNE’S RANT OVER. Sometimes you’ve just got to let it flow. It’s easy to be a free spirit, not to care and be a lover-no negativity… but even lovers need to take responsibility and help conservation efforts. Even lovers need to clean up after themselves and respect fellow humans and Mother Nature.

I don’t walk around pissed off. I walk around with a kind heart. I try to show kindness to everyone. However, I am human. I make mistakes. I am far from perfect, but as imperfect as I may be, I’m still responsible and I clean up my shit. Please clean up your shit. Thank you.

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